Friday, February 21, 2014

An Unthankful Gift

It all unraveled the Sunday after Thanksgiving
The feast had been digested; the cliché family pictures captured
Everything was “right” in the Kingsley household,
Or at least I thought it was.

My frantic mother appeared in my doorway.
“I think I need to call 911. Go look at your Dad.”

Is this a joke? She had to be exaggerating.

Ten nerve-racking steps brought me to one hell of a reality.
Every inch of his skin covered in a thick blanket of sweat.
His bulging blue eyes alert, yet unresponsive.
Gasping for any ounce of oxygen his lungs could absorb.
A blubbering humming noise escaping from his lips.

Why was this happening?
Are we going to be planning a funeral tomorrow?

Nervous laughter poured out of my mouth like lava,
Then abruptly changed to hysterical tears.
Red and blue flashes of light radiated through the opened kitchen window.
Multiple strangers put my father’s limp body onto a stretcher.

God, please just make him better.

When we arrived at the hospital, the doctor moved towards us.
I only heard bits of pieces of what the tall worn man had to say.
“Seven percent chance of survival…”
“A human being can’t be much more ill than this.”
“Brain aneurysm.”
At that moment, I knew life would never be the same.

Months would be spent sitting anxiously in waiting rooms.
A miracle would be given to my family.
The aneurysm didn’t murder my father,
But it killed everything he loved except his family.





Unforgettable

There it was.



Striking my eyes like a defensive lineman.


Parading my every thought frequently like the click of a clock.


Bombarding my ears with cannons of silence.


Making nightmares a second home.


Plunging my life away in the deep end with drowning emotions.


Wreaking like rancid road kill.

Racing towards me faster than Usain Bolt.


Withdrawing my pending thoughts.


Tormenting my heart down with the weight of its presence.



There it was.












Skewed

If only the mirror didn’t lie.



1.
Thick cellulite covered legs
Arms that jiggle like a jello salad.
Multiple layers of fat covering that beloved six pack.
Hipbones that have now transformed into love handles.




Legs, sickly thin, no fat in sight.
Arms decayed down to flesh and bone.
Every rib on display as if they were in a museum.
Hipbones barely shielded by an ultra thin blanket of skin.


2.
Never thin enough.
Restrict this. Don’t eat that.
Number on the scale much too high.
Ugly, worthless, fat, weak, so insignificant

Much too thin.
Eat this. Never restrict that.
Number on the scale much too low.
Beautiful, meaningful, perfect, strong, valuable.







If only we could see our own worth.


One Love

It all starts with that first stride
Tempo, fartlek, sprint, jog, interval
It doesn’t matter.

With every passing second
Every footstep on the pavement
My speed elevates; I begin to anxiously crave more oxygen.

Sweat starts to pour down my face, drenching every inch of skin.
I glance at my watch; I need to pick up the pace.
I’m almost there, almost to my destination.

The relieving sight of the finish line meets my eyes.
One last sprint, one last surge of speed will get me there.
My mind tells me to stop, but stopping now would be too easy.
This is no longer about running, but the heart one must have to pull through.

I make my final step, a mix of pain and relaxation takes over my body.
My legs exhausted, my lungs burned, my mouth dried.
But that’s what keeps me coming back time and time again.
This is my therapy.
My drug.

My one love.

Gratitude

Failure arrives at my doorstep daily.

  I never lose faith in your abilities.

I refuse to acknowledge your presence in my life.

You remain a priority in mine.

I break the commands you give me.

 I clean your stains. Making you new, spotless.                                                               

My patience is lost, fury fills my heart.

My patience is unbreakable

I’m selfish and undeserving of this life

I bless you regardless

More than imaginable,

Love deeper than any waters

Stronger than any struggles

Greater than the earth

Unachievable Perfection

Giver of life and salvation

SAVIOUR

A Blessing more worthy than the priciest gems

Yet out of all the things I could say in exchange

I’ll leave it at this.



Thank you.